Alright so good news! First off I was approved for FMLA from work! For those who arent familiar its basically medical leave I can take whenever I want due to anxiety.... totally not going to abuse this or anything >.>
Next up is PAX. I had totally passed on going this year due to going to vegas with friends (which kicked ass btw) but due to a friend of mine (who keeps doing this year after year) I am going to PAX this year for super fucking cheap. Seattle here i come in 6 days! I'm stoked!
Not all good today though, the ex girlfriend picked myself and my buddy Mike up from work since we are all ending up at the same spot (Our house, and by our I mean mine and the ex's). Mike texted her asking for transport since she basically ignores me as it is. As she shows up and I crawl in, she goes off on me. How dare I assume she would give me a ride bullshit. How I should have texted her bullshit. BLAH BLAH BLAH. To keep the peace which I know is important to both my other roommate and Mike, I kept my mouth shut. Good god that was hard. Good news though, the guy she was persuing basically kicked her to the curb so that makes me a tad smug.
Nothing super long since not a whole lot to report other than its a Friday night and I'm here blogging. Oh well I do feel much better (which is kinda the point right?). Till next time kids
Erratic out
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
08/25/09 -- No title
Today is the first day I feel I'm accomplishing something. I know what direction I want to go in and I'm getting the tools available to actually get there. I feel empowered, I feel like I'm finally doing something with that hunger. I'm learning again and good god I missed it.
First off I need to thank Ms. Lonnie for helping me destress with a movie. That was awesome dear and I owe you more than you can possibly understand. You really have no idea what you did for me.
Second off, I have to thank Cody for coming to me and not only asking me if I was alright, but that I kinda encouraged him. It was very uplifting to know that we all fight the same battle and it helps when one of us gets the leg up.
Thirdly, to Joshua. Words cannot express my thanks dearest friend, you never lost faith in me and you did kick my ass and you almost made me hate you on numerous occasions. Now though, I am glad that I stuck with you, and you with me. Always remember (()) > DnD
Now I am off. Off to study, off to learn. Off to make my life!
Erratic out!
First off I need to thank Ms. Lonnie for helping me destress with a movie. That was awesome dear and I owe you more than you can possibly understand. You really have no idea what you did for me.
Second off, I have to thank Cody for coming to me and not only asking me if I was alright, but that I kinda encouraged him. It was very uplifting to know that we all fight the same battle and it helps when one of us gets the leg up.
Thirdly, to Joshua. Words cannot express my thanks dearest friend, you never lost faith in me and you did kick my ass and you almost made me hate you on numerous occasions. Now though, I am glad that I stuck with you, and you with me. Always remember (()) > DnD
Now I am off. Off to study, off to learn. Off to make my life!
Erratic out!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
8/23/09 Dont expect this to happen so often
So life right? Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want? The questions that everyone wishes they knew but very few actually do. The good news is, I know the last one. I want to be wealthy. I don't want to have to worry about if I can afford to eat somewhere or if I can buy a new article of clothing or something new for my house. I want to not worry about money. This is probably because I grew up always worried about money (thanks Dad) and even though my mother told me not to, I couldn't help it. Thats probably about the time my anxiety started as well. Go figure....
As it stands right now, I feel adrift. I don't feel I've accomplished anything in my 22 years of life thus far and its really starting to get to me. I hate this "coasting through life" bullshit. I was talking with a good friend at work today and he kind of told me something that I needed to hear for a long long while. "Zack" he said "if you aren't happy, change it because every second you don't is one less second you can't." I realized that he is 100% correct. I need a change. I've always contemplated the military, well the airforce or the navy anyway, and if I do go down that road, why not? I mean its only 4 or at most 6 years of my life, I can bust out college in that time and become an officer and then start making some money.
I see the military as a way for me to get out of humdrumville and see some sights, make some money, have some life experiences, complete college and get some job experience. The issue I'm wrestling with though is that what if its just hell? To which the other part of my brain responds its only 4 years. You can do that. Hell man, free college and free medical coverage for life. I'd see more money in pocket almost immediatly and I'd get to go somewhere (hopefully) kinda cool.
I really really hate my job, I think this has helped sparked the want to do something different. I need to work 72 hour weeks just to play catchup on bills because I was gone for 2 weeks on medical leave. How fucked is that? I thank my anxiety drugs honestly. They allow me to enter a state of relaxation that I dont really care that I'm being anally violated financially.
Oh well right? Cest le vie I suppose.
Erratic out
P.S. If I misspelled Cest le vie I'm going to gouge my eyes out....
As it stands right now, I feel adrift. I don't feel I've accomplished anything in my 22 years of life thus far and its really starting to get to me. I hate this "coasting through life" bullshit. I was talking with a good friend at work today and he kind of told me something that I needed to hear for a long long while. "Zack" he said "if you aren't happy, change it because every second you don't is one less second you can't." I realized that he is 100% correct. I need a change. I've always contemplated the military, well the airforce or the navy anyway, and if I do go down that road, why not? I mean its only 4 or at most 6 years of my life, I can bust out college in that time and become an officer and then start making some money.
I see the military as a way for me to get out of humdrumville and see some sights, make some money, have some life experiences, complete college and get some job experience. The issue I'm wrestling with though is that what if its just hell? To which the other part of my brain responds its only 4 years. You can do that. Hell man, free college and free medical coverage for life. I'd see more money in pocket almost immediatly and I'd get to go somewhere (hopefully) kinda cool.
I really really hate my job, I think this has helped sparked the want to do something different. I need to work 72 hour weeks just to play catchup on bills because I was gone for 2 weeks on medical leave. How fucked is that? I thank my anxiety drugs honestly. They allow me to enter a state of relaxation that I dont really care that I'm being anally violated financially.
Oh well right? Cest le vie I suppose.
Erratic out
P.S. If I misspelled Cest le vie I'm going to gouge my eyes out....
Saturday, August 22, 2009
8/22/09 -- This one is a doozy!
Ive decided to start this blog as a way of figuring out the whirlwind of thoughts decimating my head. I have no clue where my head is at right now, I have no direction I want to go in and I'm drifting. It totally sucks which I think is why I'm partially depressed. I swear to all that is both holy and not that if someone says they are sorry im sad I will cut you open with a dull butter knife. This is not a diatribe about how much my life sucks. In anycase, since this is post 1 I figure I will drop some bullets about what has happened recently both good and bad and then expand on each farther down.
Since I like ending on a good note, we will start with the bad
I have been having anxiety issues for years apparently and no one caught it. By no one I mean doctors. They diagnosed me with massive ADHD which was only a by product of the anxiety. So awesome there.
The girlfriend and I broke up, yes this sucks. Now normally it doesnt bother me, but I realize the reason we broke up was mostly due to fact that I didnt realize that I was under so much anxiety so I was dealing with that and not giving her what she needed. Kinda sucks.
The medical leave is kinda due to the anxiety and it kind of explains itself.
Sis and I talked for a good 3 hours last night, completely fucking up my sleep cycle but she was petrified about being at her new dorm alone. So I talked her to sleep. I would do it again, but fuck man I'm tired!
As for the best friend I am really happy he found someone... but the way she talks to me when he isnt around makes it seem like shes not really all that into him and I worry. I really worry. Shes leaving for like 9 months though in the next few weeks so I'm going to hold my tongue and let him just be blissful :)
As for the last? Do I really need to explain?
Now for the good!
The first one, self explanied as is the second and third.
How bout my thoughts though?
I really do want out of Boise, I have been living here way to long and I want to do something different, go somewhere different. I'm really considering the military (Airforce first, Navy second) which would help out with my college thing. I really want to go to college and stop waisting my potential I know I have. Its bothering me quite a bit.
WHAT IS IT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE?! IM 22 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE SHIT TO SHOW FOR IT! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!
Alright, Erratic out for now kids, stay tuned for tomorrow where I get into other such things as my job and life.
Since I like ending on a good note, we will start with the bad
- I just found out I have massive anxiety issues
- Girlfriend just recently broke up with me and we are still living together
- Had to take medical leave for the anxiety and now not only am I fighting for my job, I'm also super broke and behind on a few bills
- I'm really worried about my little sister since she has seperation issues with my mom and she just went off to college.
- My best friend just recently started dating someone I don't trust at all and he is head over heals in love with her
- My other good friend is throwing himself at my recent ex
I have been having anxiety issues for years apparently and no one caught it. By no one I mean doctors. They diagnosed me with massive ADHD which was only a by product of the anxiety. So awesome there.
The girlfriend and I broke up, yes this sucks. Now normally it doesnt bother me, but I realize the reason we broke up was mostly due to fact that I didnt realize that I was under so much anxiety so I was dealing with that and not giving her what she needed. Kinda sucks.
The medical leave is kinda due to the anxiety and it kind of explains itself.
Sis and I talked for a good 3 hours last night, completely fucking up my sleep cycle but she was petrified about being at her new dorm alone. So I talked her to sleep. I would do it again, but fuck man I'm tired!
As for the best friend I am really happy he found someone... but the way she talks to me when he isnt around makes it seem like shes not really all that into him and I worry. I really worry. Shes leaving for like 9 months though in the next few weeks so I'm going to hold my tongue and let him just be blissful :)
As for the last? Do I really need to explain?
Now for the good!
- I have a good friend who is lending me a car till I get mine fixed and its a really nice car
- I still do have a job
- I have my meds mostly figured out
The first one, self explanied as is the second and third.
How bout my thoughts though?
I really do want out of Boise, I have been living here way to long and I want to do something different, go somewhere different. I'm really considering the military (Airforce first, Navy second) which would help out with my college thing. I really want to go to college and stop waisting my potential I know I have. Its bothering me quite a bit.
WHAT IS IT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE?! IM 22 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE SHIT TO SHOW FOR IT! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!
Alright, Erratic out for now kids, stay tuned for tomorrow where I get into other such things as my job and life.
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