So life right? Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want? The questions that everyone wishes they knew but very few actually do. The good news is, I know the last one. I want to be wealthy. I don't want to have to worry about if I can afford to eat somewhere or if I can buy a new article of clothing or something new for my house. I want to not worry about money. This is probably because I grew up always worried about money (thanks Dad) and even though my mother told me not to, I couldn't help it. Thats probably about the time my anxiety started as well. Go figure....
As it stands right now, I feel adrift. I don't feel I've accomplished anything in my 22 years of life thus far and its really starting to get to me. I hate this "coasting through life" bullshit. I was talking with a good friend at work today and he kind of told me something that I needed to hear for a long long while. "Zack" he said "if you aren't happy, change it because every second you don't is one less second you can't." I realized that he is 100% correct. I need a change. I've always contemplated the military, well the airforce or the navy anyway, and if I do go down that road, why not? I mean its only 4 or at most 6 years of my life, I can bust out college in that time and become an officer and then start making some money.
I see the military as a way for me to get out of humdrumville and see some sights, make some money, have some life experiences, complete college and get some job experience. The issue I'm wrestling with though is that what if its just hell? To which the other part of my brain responds its only 4 years. You can do that. Hell man, free college and free medical coverage for life. I'd see more money in pocket almost immediatly and I'd get to go somewhere (hopefully) kinda cool.
I really really hate my job, I think this has helped sparked the want to do something different. I need to work 72 hour weeks just to play catchup on bills because I was gone for 2 weeks on medical leave. How fucked is that? I thank my anxiety drugs honestly. They allow me to enter a state of relaxation that I dont really care that I'm being anally violated financially.
Oh well right? Cest le vie I suppose.
Erratic out
P.S. If I misspelled Cest le vie I'm going to gouge my eyes out....
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Its unfortunate that you feel you have accomplished so little... when I look at your blog and realize where you came from and where you are now. I definitely don't see the same things you do. I see someone who has completely changed for the better in atleast half a dozen positive ways.
ReplyDeletehey...don't gouge your eyes out but its Ces't with the apostrophe...
ReplyDeleteYou know your pretty amazing and that you continue to grow. :) Your still young! Its a process and it doesn't come all at once.