8/22/09 -- This one is a doozy!

Ive decided to start this blog as a way of figuring out the whirlwind of thoughts decimating my head. I have no clue where my head is at right now, I have no direction I want to go in and I'm drifting. It totally sucks which I think is why I'm partially depressed. I swear to all that is both holy and not that if someone says they are sorry im sad I will cut you open with a dull butter knife. This is not a diatribe about how much my life sucks. In anycase, since this is post 1 I figure I will drop some bullets about what has happened recently both good and bad and then expand on each farther down.

Since I like ending on a good note, we will start with the bad

• I just found out I have massive anxiety issues
• Girlfriend just recently broke up with me and we are still living together
• Had to take medical leave for the anxiety and now not only am I fighting for my job, I'm also super broke and behind on a few bills
  
• I'm really worried about my little sister since she has seperation issues with my mom and she just went off to college.
• My best friend just recently started dating someone I don't trust at all and he is head over heals in love with her
• My other good friend is throwing himself at my recent ex

Now to expand:
I have been having anxiety issues for years apparently and no one caught it. By no one I mean doctors. They diagnosed me with massive ADHD which was only a by product of the anxiety. So awesome there.
The girlfriend and I broke up, yes this sucks. Now normally it doesnt bother me, but I realize the reason we broke up was mostly due to fact that I didnt realize that I was under so much anxiety so I was dealing with that and not giving her what she needed. Kinda sucks.
The medical leave is kinda due to the anxiety and it kind of explains itself.
Sis and I talked for a good 3 hours last night, completely fucking up my sleep cycle but she was petrified about being at her new dorm alone. So I talked her to sleep. I would do it again, but fuck man I'm tired!
As for the best friend I am really happy he found someone... but the way she talks to me when he isnt around makes it seem like shes not really all that into him and I worry. I really worry. Shes leaving for like 9 months though in the next few weeks so I'm going to hold my tongue and let him just be blissful :)
As for the last? Do I really need to explain?

Now for the good!

• I have a good friend who is lending me a car till I get mine fixed and its a really nice car
• I still do have a job
• I have my meds mostly figured out
  

Yeah short list comparatively but its a very strong list for me.
The first one, self explanied as is the second and third.

How bout my thoughts though?
I really do want out of Boise, I have been living here way to long and I want to do something different, go somewhere different. I'm really considering the military (Airforce first, Navy second) which would help out with my college thing. I really want to go to college and stop waisting my potential I know I have. Its bothering me quite a bit.

WHAT IS IT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE?! IM 22 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE SHIT TO SHOW FOR IT! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!

Alright, Erratic out for now kids, stay tuned for tomorrow where I get into other such things as my job and life.